Doubts and a Proposal
by Writing-and-Music
Summary: "Love is weakest when there is more doubt than trust, but love is strongest when we learn to trust inspite the doubts." Unknown Hiroki has been having doubts with his relationship with Nowaki for the past couple of weeks, even after his lovers surprising proposal just beforehand. Will Nowaki be able to remedy this doubts before they overtake Hiroki's entire mind? Egoist.


The Proposal

Hiroki Kamijou had a lot of things happening to him at the moment. First of all, his lover, Nowaki Kusama, had sort of proposed to him a few weeks ago after he went to his bosses wedding. It wasn't romantic in the least, and there wasn't a ring involved. Besides, they couldn't even get married in Japan since gay marriage hasn't been legalized like it had been in America.

But, a couple days after Nowaki's offer about a promise ring -Hiroki refuses to call it anything else at the moment- he began to start acting strange. He had done the same thing when he was secretly planning on buying them a house to live in together, but this time it was a bit different.

When Hiroki addressed the issue to him, Nowaki reassured him that he wasn't wanting to move them to another location since this one was at such a convenient place, since the apartments were close to the hospital and the university. Plus, they didn't have any neighbors -which was most likely Hiroki's fault- so they didn't have to worry about being disturbed.

Even after his reassurance though, Nowaki continued to act towards Hiroki towards distance and seemed to be lost in his own thoughts constantly. He also seemed to be working much longer hours than usual, if that was even possible, though Hiroki had seen him out when he was supposed to be at the hospital.

Typically, the thought of cheating would never cross his mind, especially after the "sort-of-proposal", but all of the signs were there. Nowaki was acting with aloofness towards Hiroki, he was saying he was working longer hours when he was actually out at other places, and sometimes he seemed to come back slightly dazed as if he had just come back from someone's house.

Tonight was one of those nights when Hiroki was home alone once again, and Nowaki had sent him a text saying that he was having to stay at the hospital longer since his patient suddenly experienced a seizure. While it could be true, Nowaki continues to come up with excuses such as this one so he can go out at night. 'And probably see his secret new lover,' Hiroki thought darkly to himself as he turned on the television in an attempt to distract himself.

He huffed, his own thoughts beginning to wound him slightly. What was he doing wrong to make Nowaki want to go out and see someone behind his back? Nowaki just didn't seem like the kind of person to do that anyways, so the fact he even wanted to do that was shocking all by itself. Was he just tired of him? If so, why didn't he just tell Hiroki and let him drown in his own sorrow in isolation?

Was he boring him in other ways so he had to go out to find someone who would fulfil his desires? It wasn't like Hiroki wouldn't do something in order to please Nowaki, as long as it wasn't something too shameful or strange. So, if that was the case, why would he go out and find someone else before talking to Hiroki about it first?

Hiroki sighed and scratched the back of his head, trying to knock the thoughts out of his head. He didn't want to come up with conclusions just to work himself up if Nowaki really wasn't doing anything. But, again, if he was, Hiroki would rather get broken up with now before he got hurt even more.

Hiroki reached beside him on the sofa and flicked off the television with a heavy sigh. There was nothing good or distracting enough playing anyway, so might as well not waste money on an electricity bill if he wasn't even watching the show. He stood up after setting the remote on the mahogany coffee table in front of him then made his way to their bedroom.

He stripped off his regular sleep shirt, tossed it in the laundry basket and opened Nowaki's closet instead of his own. He grabbed one of his shirts and pulled it on over his head before he let his body fall onto the bed. It was ridiculous that he had to put on one of Nowaki's oversized shirts just to feel close to him again. He should be home instead of wherever he was, having fun with someone else.

Hiroki buried his face into his pillow, closing his eyes tight and pulled the covers closer to his shivering body. 'Just don't think about it,' he thought to himself, trying to remain in control of his own thoughts and emotions. 'It just makes everything worse and your emotions will end up controlling you completely. You don't want to become like one of those people. They're useless.' He sighed and curled his legs up to his chest, opening his eyes so he was staring at the blank wall. 'You don't want to give Nowaki anymore reasons to leave you.'

By the time Nowaki arrived home again, Hiroki was already awake and in the kitchen making his cup of coffee. He hadn't managed to get much sleep the night before because he had continued to have a recurring nightmare of walking into their bedroom after work just to see Nowaki in bed with another man. Then, he would turn and smile at Hiroki as if he wasn't doing anything wrong. "Welcome home, Hiro-san. I'll make dinner in a few minutes, just give me a bit more time in here, okay?" And every single time, Hiroki would jolt awake and blink away the panicked tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

"I'm home," Nowaki called sleepily through the apartment. Hiroki's body froze in place, biting his bottom lip harshly in surprise. He honestly wasn't expecting Nowaki to be home so early in the morning. He was actually hoping that Nowaki would come back while he was out at the used bookstore so he didn't have to confront him. "Welcome home," he choked back, pulling the cup of coffee away from the pot.

"I'm sorry I was out so late again," Nowaki began as he stepped into the kitchen, standing beside Hiroki. "One of my patients, the little girl who was in that car accident, suddenly had a seizure and I had to transfer her to ICU to make sure someone would be keeping an eye on her at all times. It turned out to be a huge mess trying to get her in there as soon as possible because it was so crowded with patients already."

Hiroki shrugged, wanting to believe Nowaki's story, but couldn't quite manage to. "I don't really care. It's work, and it isn't like you have any control over it. I was fine all night, it isn't like I'm an infant and you need to be with me 24/7."

Nowaki looked down at Hiroki with saddened, tired blue eyes and his shoulders slumped slightly in disappointment. "Of course I know that, Hiro-san. But, I know we haven't really been able to spend much time together in about two weeks, and I just miss you. I figured you were missing me a bit too."

Hiroki paused on bringing his coffee cup to his lips, shocked to hear those words come from his boyfriend's mouth. He turned around to look at him, deny the last words that came from him and tell him all about his concerns and wait for Nowaki to reassure him, but Nowaki was already walking away from him. "I'm going to take a shower," he said over his shoulder, his feet dragging across the hardwood floor. For a moment, Hiroki couldn't help but think that Nowaki resembled a kicked puppy.

"Wait, Nowaki," he called after him, setting his cup on the kitchen counter. "Look, I'm sorry that I came across as rude. I'm just tired is all, and I get a bit short with people when I do. You should know that more than anyone else, unfortunately." It was a rare occurrence for Hiroki to apologize, especially when it was over something that really shouldn't have mattered in the first place. But, with Nowaki acting so strange the past couple of weeks, his dejection with Hiroki's offhanded comment made a little hope flare up in his chest.

Nowaki slowly turned to look over his slumped shoulder to look at his lover. He stared closely at him, finally realizing how tired the brunette really looked. He was much paler than usual, his eyes beginning to even get a little red-rimmed from sleep deprivation, and the bags under them were much more prominent than usual.

"Hiro-san," he spoke softly and turned completely so he was facing him to see him properly. He took a few hesitant steps forward, not wanting his boyfriend to freak out over his sudden rare apology and to start to take it back like he normally did. "Why have you not been sleeping?"

Hiroki felt his cheeks flame up, his heart hammering against his ribcage in fear as well as hope. Maybe Nowaki really wasn't cheating on him, or tired of him. It was possible he was just really distracted with other things and he really did still love him. But, that still didn't explain why he had caught Nowaki walking around with strange women in the middle of the night without Hiroki's knowledge. And there goes the hope.

"Uh, it's nothing. It's just been a bit stressful right now because finals are coming up and grading is becoming strenuous. Not to mention that Miyagi has pushed some of his own grading on me as well," he lied easily. Well, it wasn't a complete lie because Miyagi had pushed grading on him and it was finals, but he was used to marking up so many papers now, it was almost like a sixth sense to him. He just didn't want to bring his true thoughts and doubts on Nowaki due to the fear of the truth coming out and Nowaki would leave him for good.

"Are you sure that's all? You've never seemed to lose sleep over it before," Nowaki said, clearly not believing Hiroki's bluff. "If something is truly bothering you, I would like to know since I can help you. Don't you remember what I said just a bit after we started dating? I told you to trouble me with your issues." Of course Hiroki remembers that. He continued to throw light-weight books at Nowaki for about five minutes just to cover up his embarrassment from being so moved by his sweet lover's words. Really, what kind of person typically said something like that to their boyfriend or girlfriend?

"I'm telling you it's nothing serious, Nowaki," Hiroki snapped, a bit harsher than he intended to. "Start listening to me instead of pestering me with your useless questions." His eyes widened minimally when he realized how bitter the words had taster on his tongue, and he could only imagine how sour they were for Nowaki to hear. 'If he still even cares,' Hiroki's mind reminded him.

Nowaki blinked slowly, the words registering at a snail's pace in his head. Why was Hiroki acting so detached towards him? What could he have possibly done this time? "Right," he muttered, almost inaudibly and Hiroki had to strain his ears to hear. Nowaki began to turn around once again so he could make his way to the bathroom. It was clear that Hiroki didn't want him pestering him right now, so it would be best to leave him alone before the argument escalated. "I'll be in the shower."

Hiroki watched as Nowaki left, not saying a single word this time; if he did, he probably would mess everything up again anyways. Or, at least, more than he already had. He reached to grab his coffee, wrapping his hand around the hottest part of the mug, not caring that he heat was burning his fair skin. When he had tried to fix it all, all he did was screw everything up again. No wonder Nowaki was going out trying to find a new lover. Why did relationships always suck so much for him?

He made his way back into the living room, taking a seat at the couch with a tired sigh. He set the mug in front of him on the coffee table, flipping on the television. He stared at the flickering picture of the newswoman talking about today's weather. 90% of rain and thunderstorms all day. How ironic to fit his mood.


End file.
